today i find myself seriously wondering if i am medically depressed, if this “temporary glitch” in the life plan has psychologically damaged me so severely that i am now altered. or if in fact, this has been brewing under the surface the whole time and i needed this experience to get it out into the open.
this isn’t the first time i’ve thought of this and i’ve always chalked it up to being unhappy in my job – which leads then to earnings, to savings, to loan paying, to rent swapping – to everything, really. i was just really shocked at myself that once again my otherwise normal-to-good mood was shattered ubruptly upon finding out about yet another friend of mine with an enviable job. i shocks me because i have lately been incapable of handling news of this kind but it’s far more than a simple twinge of jealousy. it descends me into a darkness that i can’t seem to escape for days, and even then it is manufacteured out of me. everything i am and have ever done dimish instantly in the face of such news, i become inconsolable and do not want to leave my room or speak with anyone.
the HOLY TRUTH on all things, wikipedia, has the following pearls of wisdom concerning depression:
Clinical depression can present with a variety of symptoms, but almost all patients display a marked change in mood, a deep feeling of sadness, and a noticeable loss of interest or pleasure in favorite activities. Other symptoms include:
Persistent sad, anxious or “empty” mood – YES Loss of appetite and/or weight loss or conversely overeating and weight gain – SOMETIMES Insomnia, early morning awakening, or oversleeping – YES TO BOTH Restlessness or irritability – YES (latter) Psychomotor agitation or psychomotor retardation – PSYCHO! Feelings of worthlessness, inappropriate guilt, helplessness – YES (but that could be latent catholocism) Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism – YES Difficulty thinking, concentrating, remembering or making decisions – YES TO ALL Thoughts of death or suicide or attempts at suicide – NO Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed – YES Withdrawal from social situations, family and friends – YES Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive problems, and chronic pain – YES Decreased energy, fatigue, feeling “slowed down” or sluggish – YES
so i don’t know. then again, maybe i’ll feel better tomorrow…
Here’s the thing from where i stand-
1. Enviable jobs, in general, are relative. Srsly.
2. When shit went REALLY bad at my old job, I slowly became depressed. I’m talking the kind of depressed that makes you second-guess everything you do. In retrospect, the best thing that happened to me was getting laid off, albeit for economical reasons- and in retrospect, I should have quit but you know what the problem is in London, you freak out at the idea of not being able to pay rent, etc.
3. When out of work, I applied for benefits (unlike many UK people I do not consider this shameful AT ALL, I paid for them goddamnit that’s MY tax money… Blame this on my frenchness) and whatddyaknow, despite the fact that I had paid taxes for almost two years on my shit salary they told me I didn’t even qualify. I mean what the fuck? THAT makes it super hard to switch jobs too.
4. Keep your job but look elsewhere. Fuck, you’re so gifted, you are. If unhappy, make elaborate plans to move on. That’s my motto.
jess is back, everybody! nice to see her words here again.
also,
thanks.
I never left!
I say don’t blame the catholicism. What did it ever do to you but give you an education and a kick ass yearbook?